But I Can See When The Lights Start To Fade
by Flavor Of My Heart
Summary: AU. Emily was Spencer's perfect secret. One she couldn't give up. Her source of undying happiness. Their relationship may have been secret, but it was real. Secrets meant that the whole world was practically against them, though. What do you when you're fighting a losing battle?
1. Oh The Desolation Grows

A/N: Spemily is my otp for Spencer and Emily. So this little thing came into my head, based off of a video I stumbled upon. There's some Spoby friendship, Emily/Toby friendship, Sparia and Hannily friendship. **Most important though**, is that this is AU so Alison is alive. She's the most OOC of the characters, I think. She's manipulative, of course, but she's not close friends with the liars. But she does manipulate them the most out of everybody. This really isn't canon but there are reference to canon things. Ezria. Haleb. Paily, Emaya, Wrencer etc.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights go to their proper owners.

Pulling her hair down from the ponytail it was in, Spencer smiled at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She was only in underwear and a long shirt, but she was comfy and for such an early morning, she looked relatively put together. She wanted to put her hair back up, but the guest in her bed preferred it down. Just the thought made Spencer's smile grow and she had to duck her head to try to suppress it.

"Spence...?" the call was quiet and drowsy.

Spencer ran a hand through her hair, strolling into the bedroom. Emily's eyes weren't even open. The best thing about Spencer's parents going on vacations or trips was having the house to herself. For the past two months, that meant time with Emily. Yeah, she felt bad keeping their relationships under wraps. Emily had hated that with Paige. But Emily...Spencer really didn't want to do without her. And right now, this was the only way to be. And Emily was still happy. Turning off the light, Spencer watched Emily's eyes open.

"I'm right here," she said, though at this point it was unnecessary. She'd always been kind of awkward in when talking to someone she liked. But Emily made her forget...well, Emily made her forget..._word_s. She crawled back into bed, pressing a kiss to Emily's cheek. The other girl, still half-asleep, made a small noise. It sounded half content and half disappointed. Emily rolled over, eyes fluttering open even more to reveal the dark chocolate irises shining there. Emily tangled their legs together, searching for body heat. "What?" Spencer laughed. Sleepy Emily was adorable. How she got a person this amazing, Spencer still wondered. It wasn't practical or logical. But when Spencer had told Emily that a few weeks prior, the other girl had simply replied that feelings weren't logical anyway, and to just let them be right. It was hard, but she was trying. After all, they may have made no sense, but they were definitely right.

"You've got to give a 'good morning' kiss the right way," Emily shrugged, the mischievous glint growing her eyes already. Spencer knew she wasn't asking for anything too dirty - that had all gone down last night, pun very much intended- so Spencer slid her hand to rest on Emily's smooth cheek. She pressed her lips against the other girl's fully and sweetly. Emily let out a small hum of satisfaction before moving her lips back against Spencer's. "I wish we could just lay here all day," Emily mumbled. Spencer quirked an eyebrow.

"Emily Fields, sit still all day?" she teased. Emily was better at doing nothing than Spencer was, for sure, but the girl was active. She couldn't really imagine her lying in bed all day. Emily smiled and Spencer shivered. She loved Emily's smile. Watching the corners of her mouth lift up, the small dimples that would appear...she couldn't help but study Emily. She was just so beautiful.

Emily linked their fingers together. Spencer knew what she was saying. She was saying that for Spencer, she would sit still all day. Spencer sure when they started to be able to speak silently, but she knew that it never ceased to amaze her. And there was a way their heartbeats moved together that amazed her too.

Yes, Spencer analyzed a lot of things about their relationship. But it was who she was. And this? The ascension from best friends to lovers? It was something she'd kind of experienced before, but with Emily it was a whole new level. And everything about it was so wondrous that she _had_ to analyze it. She wasn't sure that it was legal for someone to be this happy. But if she ever had a moment of fear, Emily would send her a look. Or if they were alone, she'd kiss her. And all of those worries just vanished.

Spencer leaned in to kiss Emily again right as Emily's phone started buzzing. Groaning, the other girl grabbed it from the night stand. "Hanna. And Toby. Of course. No moment of peace can stay peaceful," she sighed, dropping it back on the table before rolling over to Spencer. Of course, the whole secretive nature of the relationship made the peaceful moments that much more rare and fleeting. Aria had texted Spencer several times last night but Spencer...didn't like to be interrupted. Her cell phone battery was on one end of the room and the body was on the other. She'd have to fix that sooner than later.

"School tomorrow. You're coming here after for homework help," Spencer said, before flushing. "I mean...do you want to come over after?" she smiled. She was a little abrasive sometimes. Emily laughed and smiled, pushing her hand into Spencer's hair, locking her gaze on the other girl's. That was another amazing and unnerving thing about Emily. Her gazes were absolutely mesmerizing. Spencer had lost coherency once when she'd looked into Emily's eyes. And that was when nothing remotely sexual was happening.

Yeah.

Emily was kind of perfect.

* * *

Spencer had coffee, black, in her hand as she raced up the school steps. Aria was waiting for her, phone in hand and exasperated look on her face. Spencer grabbed her arm, as gently as possible, and dragged her in the school building. First period was AP Russian History. Which meant no Emily. She'd like to see her girlfriend's smile before school started.

"Where were you all weekend? I thought you had finally died of stress," Aria asked, the alarm written all over her dollish features. Spencer took a gulp of her coffee, trying to ignore the weight of her bag from all of the text books.

"Close. Papers and tennis and other Hastings-esque activities. Just spent some time with myself and my textbooks, unfortunately," Spencer replied. It was a lie, but her crankiness from being awake at this hour definitely helped get the fake bitterness across. Aria looked skeptical for about a minute, until she caught sight of Mr. Fitz. The look of adoration really wasn't that subtle, and Spencer prayed that she was at least a little more concealed when she looked at Emily.

"Well I didn't hear from Em either. I was worried sick," Aria mumbled, though her attention was now more focused on her boyfriend than on Spencer, thankfully.

And to be fair, Spencer wasn't listening either.

She'd spotted Emily.

Emily was leaning against Spencer's locker, with Hanna by her side. The two girls were talking idly and Spencer that familiar urge to run over to Emily and hold her hand. She pushed it down and dragged Aria away from Mr. Fitz, towards their friends. Emily didn't even notice the two girls come over. Spencer hated this part. Having to fight for Emily's attention. She knew it was her fault anyway but the sting was still there. Spencer couldn't help how much she liked having Emily's attention.

The dark chocolate irises snapped up to meet Spencer's and relief soaked through her. The smile Emily sent her was no bigger than the one she gave Aria, but it was sweeter. And Spencer couldn't help the ridiculous grin that slipped onto her lips when Emily kept shifting her gaze back to Spencer.

"What's the smile for?" Hanna asked, that familiar, all too suspicious look on her face. Spencer licked her lips, trying to regain control of her muscles. "And where were you two all weekend? Was there some party Aria and I missed?" she continued. All amusement at the attention Emily was giving her died instantly. Spencer couldn't help but worry that Hanna would find out. But she remained cool and collected.

"Unless me being holed up in my room is a party, I'd say no," she replied, pushing past the girls gently to get into her locker. Hanna didn't look totally satisfied with her answer, which just made Spencer's heart drop into her stomach a little.

Right when Spencer was about to reply even more, Alison walked down the hall, pausing in front of the four girls. She looked over at Mona and nodded, the other girl smiling at Hanna before walking off. Honestly, Spencer had no idea why Hanna was friends with those two. Mona was five-feet of pure, insidious snark but she was better than 'Ali' in every way possible. Ali liked playing with people. And she really loved the four of them. Ever since Emily came out, Alison flirted with her just for thrills.

"Hi Em. You look very hot today. I'm very impressed," Alison mused, letting her eyes linger on Emily's body just long enough to spark rage in Spencer. Emily blushed, mumbling out a flustered thanks. Spencer didn't even realize that her jaw was clenching until Alison turned to her, laughing. "You okay there, Spencer? You look like you're seeing red."

Spencer ground her teeth. She had to control herself. That all-knowing look in Ali's eyes was making Spencer panic even more, and then she was furious and had the urge to wrap her arm around Emily, sending Alison away. But she couldn't.

"Well I'm not exactly a fan of my friends being fed on by vultures," Spencer replied, lips puckering in agitation before she forced herself into a saccharine smile. Aria reached over to rest her hand on Spencer's arm, as if cautioning her to calm down. Alison's eyebrow quirked up at Spencer's comment. Her own mouth opened, about to retort with an even more snide comment.

But before Ali could even say anything, something else happened. "Alison, back off. They don't need you, and Emily doesn't want you around," another voice all but growled. Spencer whipped around. Toby. He met Alison with an even, steely glare and she disappeared quickly. Spencer had never been more happy to see Toby in her life. She smiled at Toby, who returned it happily. She was about to turn to Emily when the bell rang. Aria and Emily scurried off, leaving Spencer alone with Hanna to finish getting her books. She couldn't shake the feeling that she should've given Emily a small kiss before she left.

* * *

"Say it again," Spencer found herself asking. She wasn't sure how the words were even audible, considering she was in an empty, locked, classroom with her lips pressed against Emily's, but she knew that Emily had heard, since the other girl giggled. Spencer stopped herself from blushing.

"Just let me kiss you," Emily replied, curling her hand around the back of Spencer's neck. And Spencer wanted to let her...but she wanted to hear the words again more. She let their lips brush against each others, but pulled back as Emily tried to part them with her tongue.

"Say it." So yeah, Spencer was pouting now. Whatever. No shame in pouting when you really needed something. "Em, please."

Emily smiled, pulling back a little, licking her lips. She slid her hand forward, thumb brushing gently over the apple of Spencer's cheek. She looked at Spencer, unflinching and making the other girl shiver.

"I'm yours," she said softly. Spencer smiled, pulling Emily closer and letting their lips meet again, and this time letting Emily deepen the kiss.

* * *

Girl time was still something Spencer wasn't good at. Strolling down the street with Aria, window shopping, was fun. And it was relaxing. Talking about books was fun. But Spencer's mind was designed to take ridiculous amounts of information, process it rapidly, and then shoot out the facts when necessary. And at the moment, Emily was the only one who could actually get that function to _shut off_.

"Where are Hanna and Emily?" Spencer asked. Aria shrugged, looking up from her text conversation with Mr. Fitz. She pulled Spencer into the nearest coffee shop so they could both refuel. That was a great thing that Spencer and Aria had in common; the ingrained need for caffeine.

"I don't know where Hanna is now, but she's picking up Em from swim practice later," Aria replied. Spencer nodded. She had known that Emily was at swim practice. As far as Spencer was concerned, Sunday practices were the devil. The two girls grabbed their coffees and moved to sit down on the nearest couch.

"So how's Ezra?" Spencer asked quietly. Aria beamed at the mention of Mr. Fitz.

"He's great. I'm seeing him tonight. You have any fun plans?" she asked. Spencer shook her head. She might be able to convince Emily to come over. But...her parents were home. So that might not happen. She was about to ask Aria another question when the other girl looked at her phone, eyes widening. "No way. Spence...look at what Hanna just sent me."

The hushed, concerned tone was enough to alarm Spencer a little bit. She grabbed Aria's phone, looking at the picture displayed there.

It was like getting hit with a brick. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Emily. Alison. In the locker room, Emily just dressed and clearly having just gotten out of the pool. And they were kissing. And...

"I've gotta go. My parents will be home any minute," Spencer murmured, completely numb. She walked to her car as fast as she could. The slid behind the wheel, trying to ignore the sting of tears that was pricking her ears.

Emily had kissed Alison.

In seconds, their perfect relationship had unraveled. Spencer felt like she was going to be sick as she started the car. Her heart was ripping apart and rising in throat each second. "Fuck. _Fuck_!" she shouted, slamming her hand against the wheel, accidentally hitting the horn and causing herself to jump.

The pressure in her chest finally broke and a sharp sob slipped out. Her body started shaking as the hot tears slid down her face at an agonizingly slow pace. The sobs were coming faster and harder.

Running into her house, Spencer slammed the door close, falling to the floor. Her phone was buzzing like crazy but she couldn't even see through the tears. Finally, she stopped trying to desperately catch her breath and her aching lungs were able to breathe again. The sobs grew heavier, but quieter. So this was what heartbreak felt like.

Spencer's whole world stopped spinning in that minute.

A/N: More to come! Hope this was a good start.


	2. Wishing I Had Strength To Stand

A/N: I totally didn't expect to get this much response! Thank you all :3 Keep reading to see how this chapter could possibly get resolved ;P

Spencer had always hated Mondays. But never more than the Monday after she found out about Emily and Alison's kiss. She'd managed to ignore everyone for the rest of the weekend and at that moment she was running on high caffeine.

Taking a deep breath as she entered the school, Spencer had no idea what would await her. Her heart was non-existent, having been completely decimated the day before. She was surprised she even made it out of bed this morning. She could only imagine that this was how Melissa felt when Spencer had kissed Wren. But she pushed that thought away. She didn't need any guilt on top of this misery.

Spotting Emily, Spencer had the urge to crumble to the floor, crying. But she straightened her posture. She could get through this. She just...she'd have to talk to Emily alone. Be delicate. But not weak. Never weak. Aria and Hanna were looking at her expectantly.

"That's two weekends in a row where you were MIA, Hastings. Now. Who's the guy?" Hanna asked, grinning. Spencer noticed the little cringe that Emily did, followed by a look that screamed jealousy. It disappeared quickly, but it made Spencer sigh. She hated this. She hated feeling like she had a black hole in her chest. Mostly because she still had hope. She and Emily could still work through this.

"No guy, Hanna. This weekend was tennis," Spencer mumbled out, though she earned a skeptical look from Aria. God, when one friend wasn't onto her, the other one was. She could not catch a break. Spencer cast a look at Emily out of the corner of her eyes. The other girl looked away and Spencer died a little on the inside.

What could've made Emily do this? They had been so happy. Was it the secretive nature of the relationship? Because Emily had been fine with it before...and she knew Spencer wasn't ready to tell her parents. The Hastings' motto was perfection. And Spencer wasn't sure whether being bisexual would ruin that or not.

Pulled out of her stupor by the bell, Spencer watched her friends walk away. "Emily!" she blurted. A blush crept up on her cheeks. That wasn't subtle at all. Where the hell was her head today? But Emily didn't hear her, presumably, and kept walking. Spencer felt her heart, or what was in its place, grow heavy and the stabbing pain between her ribs only increased.

It was amazing what a day without Emily could do to Spencer. Her first classes went by so quickly. She was dreading talking to Emily, but she also needed to. It was a weird mix of fear and desperation.

Before she knew it, Spencer was being pulled into the library for study hall by Aria. Emily and Hanna would be there too. Spencer sighed. She really didn't want to have to sit there, pretending everything was fine. Especially when it all so clearly_ wasn't_.

Sitting down next to Aria, and across from Emily, Spencer sighed and opened her textbook, hoping she'd be able to hide in it. She would glance up a couple of times to catch Emily waiting to catch her eye, but Spencer would look down again quickly. This was too hard. All of it.

"So Em...I guess we know why Ali always flirts with you," Hanna mentioned. Spencer's head snapped up so fast her neck hurt, causing Aria to narrow her eyes in a mix of suspicion and worry. Emily met Spencer's gaze for a second before looking away, her forced smile prominent on her face.

"No, why...?" she asked, sounding dismissive and defensive as she turned the pages in her book. Spencer's jaw tensed. She wasn't even going to admit? Or address it? Yeah, Spencer was seeing red now. Being cheated on was terrible and heartbreaking. But being_ lied to_? Having said cheating being _dismissed_? That made her blood boil.

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Hanna. We all now Alison will pounce on any single person she sees."

Spencer hadn't meant to say that. Fuck. She felt cold, and Emily looked like she'd been slapped in the face. No...that wasn't what she wanted to say at all. She watched as Emily's eyes widened. The gaze they held felt like eternity, but it was only seconds before Emily's eyes shimmered with tears.

"You know what? I'm gonna go study somewhere else," Emily barked, grabbing her stuff and storming off. Aria and Hanna looked agape.

Spencer felt her the color leave her face as she turned back to her textbook.

* * *

Spencer was sprawled out on her couch, sighing and staring at a book of Nietzsche she'd barely been able to crack. She'd try to get a good pace going, and then Emily's smile would float through her brain. Or Emily's laugh. Spencer's head fell back in frustration. She was fucked. So fucked. Even with her heart shredded, she still couldn't think of anything other than Emily. How pathetic was that?

She needed to talk to Emily alone. They needed to get everything out in the open. And Spencer did have to apologize for that comment in study hall...even if Emily had a whole lot more to apologize for and explain.

A knock at the front door had Spencer jumping to her feet, and yelling up to her parent's that she'd get it. She couldn't help the excitement flooding through her. She yanked open the door and sighed. Aria.

"Gee, I feel so welcome," the shorter girl replied, eyebrow ticking up. Spencer let out a small laugh.

"Sorry. I just...yeah. Sorry," she apologized, more inarticulate than ever.

Closing the door behind Aria, Spencer couldn't help but wonder why she was here. She really didn't feel like talking to anyone, and while Spencer loved Aria, she really didn't feel like explaining the events that had taken place earlier that day. Aria sat down on the couch, rubbing her palms together nervously as she let out a sigh of her own. She looked at Spencer expectantly. Right. She should probably sit down, instead of standing there dumbly. She grabbed her coffee, which Aria promptly took away from her. Ugh. Yeah, she had a caffeine problem. But she really needed it right now.

"So...are you going to tell me why you and Em are up in arms about Alison kissing her? You looked like a bat out of hell when you found out in the coffee shop," Aria prompted. Spencer smiled a little, though it wasn't a happy one. Of course Aria wouldn't beat around the bush. Well, Spencer could appreciate that.

Sighing once more, and rubbing her forehead, Spencer looked up and at Aria. "Look. I'm..." she trailed off. Her parents were home. But they were upstairs. Pulling Aria into one of the many side rooms, Spencer locked the door, sinking down into an armchair. "I'm dating Emily."

Aria's dollish face changed into a face of shock. It looked almost cartoon-ish, really, but Spencer knew that Aria was truly surprised by this news. "Dating Emily? What? How? Are you...?" Aria balked. Spencer laughed then. Aria sounded as inarticulate as Spencer had been.

"Yeah. That's why we sometimes disappear on weekends...but you can't tell anyone. I'm not ready for anyone to know that I'm bi," she pleaded, getting serious again. Spencer had never really begged before. And she hated it. But she had to. No one could know.

Aria's eyes narrowed and she nodded her head in confusion. "So you two are dating. But Emily kissed Ali?" she asked, eyes softening with concern as she looked at Spencer. Spencer hated the way her eyes welled up. But she found herself crying anyway. Weakness. She hated it. Pain was a sign that something was wrong. Weakness in dealing with pain...? That was pathetic.

Letting out an unsteady breath, Spencer felt Aria's arms wrap around her and she hugged her back. Thank god for Aria. Making her feel like emotions were normal. Reminding her that to hurt was to be human.

"Why would she do this to me?" she asked, face contorting as the question that had been festering in her and burning her from the inside finally slipped out. She ran a hand through her hair, hot tears still dripping down her face, tickling her skin in the most unpleasant way. "I am _falling apart_. My heart is_ gone_ and I hate it," she growled.

Aria shook her head, offering a soft smile. "Shh, don't say that. Look, there's a dance tonight, right?" Spencer nodded, though she didn't see why a dance would make her heart come back. "Just...talk to Em. You guys seriously just need to talk. Trust me. I've done this a thousand times with Ezra," she smiled, fixing Spencer's hair for her.

Spencer furrowed her brow for a moment. Actually...that was a good plan. She and Emily had agreed to go to the dance alone for the sake of appearances, and then sneak off together at certain points. Now, she could use it to talk to Emily. Fix this. Or at least get some closure as to why it was ending so suddenly.

"And who knows, maybe by the end of the night, you two will be cuddling on the couch watching...the History Channel," Aria's mental image fell apart at the end, making Spencer laugh. She wiped at her eyes and shook her head.

"Lion King and Aladdin. Or like, horror movies. We're weird like that. Maybe Pocahontas if Em can convince me to overlook the _atrocious_ historical inaccuracies."

Aria laughed too, rolling her eyes at her friend. Yeah. The dance tonight would be the perfect time to talk to Emily. It'd be so easy to get her alone.

* * *

Spencer had never been more nervous about talking to Emily in her life. And honestly, this silver thin-strapped dress was gorgeous, but she felt like she was being suffocated in some aspects. Or maybe that feeling was from having to watch Hanna and Caleb act cute and make out. It wasn't that she had anything against them, it was that she envied them.

A slow song was painting a nice, melancholy background for Spencer as she anxiously looked around for her girlfriend. Or friend. Or...whatever the hell they were.

"Do you know who Emily's coming with?" Hanna asked, standing on her tiptoes in hopes of spotting her. Spencer had to fight to keep from casting her a dirty look. She was still in the dark. She didn't mean to rub dirt in Spencer's wounds. Still, it stung.

"I don't think she was interested in anyone," Aria offered, sending Spencer a small smile.

Hanna rolled her eyes before beaming. "There she is!"

The joyous cheer was cut short. Spencer herself felt like the air had been knocked out of her. Her stomach tightened and she could not get enough oxygen for the life of her. It was as if a brick had been lodged in her stomach.

First of all, Emily looked stunning. Heels, and a blue dress. Spencer had asked her specifically to wear blue. She loved Emily in blue. And her hair was done and perfect. Spencer had that familiar feeling of wonder that she of all people was the one Emily chose to shower her affection on.

But the true reason that Spencer was in near pain was because, despite their agreement, Emily didn't come alone.

She was on the arm of Toby Cavanaugh. Spencer had been jealous enough the first time they came to a dance together. If Hanna had been rubbing dirt in her wounds, this was like pouring acid on them. And in that moment, Spencer didn't feel weak. No, she was furious and hurt and broken.

So she walked right up to Toby and Emily, pulling out her not-so-sweet but seemingly friendly smile.

"Toby, do you mind if I borrow Emily for a second? Thanks," she said, pulling her away before Toby even got the chance to respond. She and Toby were close enough. He wouldn't mind. Besides, everyone knew they were just here as friends. Didn't stop the pain though.

Just Emily's hand in hers again had Spencer shivering. That weakness would be coming back, and it would be coming back fast. But right now her rage was fighting it off. God, Emily looked so beautiful though. Irritated, but gorgeous. Spencer just wanted to kiss her. They were alone. She'd get away with it. But no. They were fighting. Or talking...or something.

"What?

"What are you doing with Toby? We agreed to go alone," Spencer reminded her. Emily smiled. A wane, bitter smile. Why did she look like she'd been crying? Had Spencer hurt her? Even after Emily had kissed another girl? What the hell was going on?

"Well, you know. I'm single and all. So I figured it was okay," Emily replied in a soft tone, not meeting Spencer's gaze. She did sound flippant and angry though.

Spencer furrowed her brow. What did Emily mean by that? Spencer's breaths started to pick up. Yeah, that weakness was back with a vengeance. Her strength and anger fled as rapidly as it had come, worry and desperation rising in her. She should've felt disgusted but god, she was human, right? She couldn't control these things.

"Emily, please don't do this. I-I'm sorry, that I haven't been ready to go public but you're the one who-"

"I'm the one who what? I'm done, Spence. I don't wanna talk about this," Emily's tone was so defeated. But that didn't make any sense. She was the one who cheated.

"Em..." Spencer pleaded, but Emily was already walking by her, a rush of cold air taking up her spot.

Spencer blinked, staring blankly at the wall. She was alone. So utterly alone. Tears pricked her eyes but she'd already exhausted her tear ducts. There was nothing left to cry. Her eyes just burned as her body was wracked with silent, dry, sobs.


	3. May I Hold You

Spencer had no idea how she convinced her mother that she was sick enough to stay home from school (Hastings never stayed home) but she did. She needed to. The silence day after day with her and Emily barely talking was too much to take. The friendship was forced, fake, and painful. The girls had ended on such a sour note, it was hard to rekindle any kind of friendship. And so here she was, laying on her couch, staring at the wall, eyes too dry to cry and hair a wild mess. Some blurred song was blasting in the background as Spencer desperately tried to fight off memories of sitting on this couch with Emily, holding her and kissing her.

She'd gotten no closure. Just a slap in the face and a breakup she should've been dealing with it at least a little more gracefully than _this_. But she was far from graceful. She was one hell of a mess. She couldn't even bring herself to delete photos of Emily from her phone. Each one was too beautiful, too precious. Spencer threw her phone across the room, though making it fall apart. She'd have to put it back together later.

Why did _everythin_g she touch break? Melissa was so perfect. The only reason her relationships didn't work out was because Spencer either accidentally screwed them up, or she'd been dating a psychopath anyway. But Spencer...oh no. Everything had to blow up in her face. No matter how hard she tried. And she had tried _so hard_ with Emily. She'd been so crazy about her. And now...there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The front door swung open and Spencer jumped, but she didn't move. She looked up and met Aria's gaze. Well. This wasn't unexpected. She'd hoped she'd be able to have the whole day in solitude, but she knew better than that.

"Spencer Hastings. I know you did not skip school today to wallow," Aria said. Spencer shook her head, sitting up.

"No. I don't...feel good."

Aria rolled her eyes. "Let me guess. Half of tub of coffee ice cream. Starting out with angry music. Then sad, self-torturing sad songs. Then love songs, just because they make you feel like you're being therapeutic, when really you're being freaking sadistic," Aria listed. Spencer scoffed, but Aria grabbed her ipod, scrolling through recently played. And the half-empty tub of coffee ice cream was still on the table. Aria sat down next to Spencer, looking at her accusingly, calling her out on her lies. "And how do you feel?"

Spencer rubbed her temple, feeling that familiar dry stinging of tears she could no longer cry. "I feel terrible." She sighed, resting her head on Aria's shoulder. "Ice cream fucking sucks. No matter how many spoonfuls you have, it doesn't make anything better," she was pouting, but she was also dead serious. She felt like shit. It was expected, but she hated it.

Aria's hand moved to Spencer's head, smoothing over her hair gently as she tried to soothe her. It wasn't working, but it was nice to feel supported. She knew Hanna was supporting Emily or whatever, since apparently the blonde now knew too. But Spencer wouldn't hold that against her. She wasn't going to risk her friendship with Hanna.

"I miss her so much, Aria. So. Freaking. Much. I don't understand how she's so okay with this. I see her and it's like...my heart is being ripped to shreds over and over. How is that fair?" Spencer asked. Aria gave her a hesitant look, but offered a sad, sympathetic smile. "I miss holding her. Kissing her. When I would wake up with her in my bed. I'm supposed to be the strong one, right? Sensible and shit, except for the amount of work I do. But I can't take this, Aria. _I can't_," she whispered.

Aria hugged her tightly, giving Spencer a minute to relax in comfort. When she pulled away, she made sure that Spencer was focusing on her. "Spence...listen to me. You will be okay. This will end. You _are_ strong. And sadness doesn't last forever. Just...push through. You just need time," Aria promised.

Spencer nodded slowly, letting out a deep breath. Of course, all of this was easier said than done. But she also knew that Aria was right. If only she and Emily could be friends again...

God, Spencer wanted to be so much more than friends. But right now they were nothing and it was killing her.

* * *

Hanna was throwing a party. Spencer had no idea why, but here she was. Heels, shorts even thought it was winter. Low cut camisole type shirt. She felt ridiculous. But Hanna walked over to her, smiling.

"You look like a bombshell, Spence. Trying to win Em back?" she asked, a cheerful glint in her eye. Spencer couldn't even be surprised that she knew that they'd split. Of course Emily told her. The question was what did Emily tell her about the break up.

"No."

It was a cold, emotionless response. Did she wear this for Emily? Yes. Emily had always loved her legs. And this outfit definitely showed them off. Did she want to captivate Emily's attention? Of course. But was she here to win her back? Even Spencer didn't know the answer to that.

"Well...if it's worth anything, I'm rooting for you. The other girls can go and suck it," Hanna smiled. Spencer couldn't help but smile a bit too. That was worth something, surprisingly. Caleb walked over, slipping his arm around Hanna's waist and Spencer's smile only grew. She'd seen that smile look in Hanna's eyes before. But she'd seen it in Emily's eyes, when they were together.

She still felt dead on the inside. But there was this little bit of...melancholy hope that was bubbling up in her. She thought about what Hanna said, sighing. Spencer shouldn't have to win Emily back. Emily was the one that broke her heart...

Grabbing a cup of beer for both her and Emily, Spencer found her now ex-girlfriend standing outside, alone, watching as people danced and walked by her. Swallowing her pride, Spencer made her way over to Emily, offering her the red cup. God, if Emily rejected even this small gesture, Spencer might break.

"Thanks," Emily murmured, gingerly taking the offered drink and meeting Spencer's gaze for a second before looking away once more. This was so awkward. Even their friendship was destroyed with their break up. Emily's eyes kept flashing to Spencer's legs, or lips, or eyes, but she never looked for long.

"I saw your swim meet yesterday," Spencer said without thinking. She mentally cursed herself but kept pushing forward. Her mouth felt so dry. "You were amazing."

Emily looked up at Spencer, and her gaze stayed there this time. Licking her lips, Emily let out a low breath. Spencer's heart fluttered. Emily sometimes licked her lips before she kisses Spencer. But...they were in public. Spencer shook her head. She really didn't care. Not at this moment in time.

Spencer moved a little closer to Emily, drinking in the fact that Emily didn't move away. But before she could even get within kissing range, a way too bubbly redhead walked up to Emily. She looked a little artsy. And she was in skimpier clothes than some of Alison's cronies. Actually...Spencer was pretty sure that this was a friend of Alison's. Spencer narrowed her eyes. Speaking of eyes, the other girl was giving Emily some major bedroom eyes, and Spencer felt the urge to rip this girl from limb to limb.

"Hi Emily. Hanna told me that you know how to work the sound system...? I don't know where it is or how to use it. Can you help me out?" she asked, voice low and conveying the message that they really weren't going to be adjusting the sound system at all. Or playing new music.

Spencer looked at Emily but all she got was Emily's cup being pressed back into her hand and watching as she walked off with the other girl. Spencer gripped the cups tightly, seething. Being broken up was bad enough. But the thought of another girls lips and hands on Emily? Spencer stormed over to her car, not bothering to say goodbye to Hanna or Aria as she slammed on the gas and pulled out.

As soon as Spencer was on the road, she felt her phone start going off the hook. She pressed the handheld button on her console. "Hello?"

"Spence, where did you go? Aria said you just took off...you're ditching my party?" Hanna's voice was clear even through the phone.

Sighing, Spencer lifted one hand to rub at her temple. She really didn't want to upset Hanna, but she wasn't going back to that party. "I'm really sorry Hanna. I just really don't feel well. Me and Emily alone...not a good idea," she muttered. There was a small breath of understanding from the other line. "Okay, what about this. You guys can come to my house tomorrow night for a sleepover." Spencer paused, gripping the steering will tighter as she said the next words. "All of you."

There was a beat of silence. Spencer couldn't even begin to wonder whether she wanted Hanna to say yes or no.

"Alright. We'll be there. But Aria makes the coffee," she agreed before hanging up. Spencer couldn't help but laugh just a little at that.

* * *

Spencer couldn't believe she was doing this. No, it wasn't washing dishes that shocked her. But the fact that she'd survived the first three hours of everyone sleeping over. Aria was upstairs setting up their beds. Emily was in the office on a call with her mom. Leaving Hanna sitting at the counter while Spencer cleaned up. And things were...okay. Ish. Things were awkward between Spencer and Emily, of course, but Aria and Hanna made sure there was no chance for that awkwardness to be felt.

Things were silent for a little while, but not uncomfortable. Spencer liked moments like these. Of course, she knew it wouldn't last long. Hanna could only stand silence for so long.

"Thanks for having us over. I totally understand why you had to bail last night. Break ups are messy," Hanna piped up, right on cue. Spencer nodded, handing Hanna a glass of juice.

Spencer shrugged. "This is pretty nice. It can almost pass as normal. It's probably the most normal the four of us will be for a while, and I'm sorry about that," she sighed.

Hanna stood up out of her seat, walking around the counter and pulling Spencer into a hug. The brunette returned it, surprising herself with how much she'd actually needed that. She'd been so busy being alone and listless, or being comforted by Aria, that this interaction with Hanna felt long needed. "Just because Emily's leaning on me, and you're leaning on Aria does not mean we're picking sides. I'm still your best friend, I'm just acting as her crutch until she gets better.

Spencer smiled, wrapping her arms around Hanna even more. "Thanks. That's actually really nice to hear," Spencer laughed a tiny bit. As soon as Spencer and Hanna pulled apart, Emily came out of the office, putting her cell away. Hanna smiled to herself and slipped upstairs to 'help Aria with the bedding'.

"She chooses now to play Cupid?" Spencer groaned, a lot louder than she meant to, as she dropped her head into her hands. Emily winced a little. There was silence again. This silence wasn't comfortable. This silence was actually painful. Spencer's heart seemed to be beating against her ribs almost violently.

"Well...she probably knows what's going on better than either of us," Emily murmured. It was the longest sentence Emily had spoken to Spencer in what felt like ages. Emily hesitantly walked over to the counter and sat down. "Spencer...I didn't kiss Alison."

Spencer felt like she was shaking with rage. "Emily, I saw the picture! And you kept dodging my questions and lying about it. How could you?" Spencer asked, voice breaking. They were finally having the conversation Spencer had wanted. But it wasn't going at all how she'd imagined it. Emily's brow furrowed and she leaned across the table, reaching her hand out for Spencer's. And somehow, Spencer didn't pull back.

"Just listen to me. You can ask Paige, she was there. Alison kissed me. And I freaked out and ran away. I was a crying fool because I knew this would get back to you. And Hanna's been beating herself up about sending that pic...anyway. And then that comment about me being single...I thought that was your way of breaking up with me. I've been functioning on auto-pilot. And I feel so terrible and I just miss you," Emily had never sounded stronger. Which was ironic, since Spencer felt like she was about to fall into Emily's arms.

Those words, in seconds, it was like Emily had picked up the pieces of Spencer's heart and putting them back together effortlessly. "I didn't wanna give up on us. I just thought it was lost. Can we be...us again?" Emily asked, walking around the counter. Spencer didn't know what to say. She was having a hard enough time breathing. How was she supposed to get that kind of information and then make this decision. The longer Spencer waited, the more closer to tears Emily seemed to be. And just that...Spencer wanted to make her smile again.

Without saying anything, Spencer's hand slid into Emily's hair. He pulled her close and looked into her eyes. "I want to be 'us' again more than you know," Spencer laughed, kissing Emily. God, Emily was such a good kisser. Soft lips. Good pace. And she always managed to deepen the kiss at the right moment. Spencer pressed her back against the counter a little when they heard a cough. Spencer opened her eyes, but kept kissing Emily, and noticed Hanna and Aria in the door way. She moved to pull away, blushing, but Emily just reconnected their lips, making a small noise as if to signal to the other girls that they needed a minute.

Laughing against Emily's lips, Spencer pulled her closer, finally pulling away. "I swear, your kisses are like caffeine to me," she grinned, wrapping her arms around Emily to just hug each other. As usual, their bodies fit and melted together and Spencer let out a content sigh. She felt so energized again. Yes, they needed to have serious talks about their relationship. And yes, Spencer had to bitch out Alison tomorrow. But this second, she was content. She had Emily back.

A/N: Not done yet! ;P Stick around for some great fluff and some other treats.


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